Today’s adventure…

On Thursday nights I bartend and close. Well, last night apparently everyone thought it would be fun to stay until close. So here I am thinking to myself that close is at 1am and I have to be to work at the porn store at 8am. Well. Fuck my life.

I got home about 1:30am and took my pills, took my pants off and crawled into bed. First, my dog climbs in my bed and slept sideways so I had about a foot of bed to sleep on. Then my youngest wanted to be snuggled at 3am. So then I have even less bed space. So while I am in my 6 inches of bed I slept for the next 3 hours. 6am my alarm is ringing as loud as can be.

I stumble out of bed, brush my teeth and head for the shower. I get out and realize that I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair. So back in I go. Once I am finally clean and rinsed I head to the kitchen to turn on the Keurig and put my donut shop pod in and went to throw some clothes on while my coffee brewed. Somehow I forgot that I already did that. So I pushed start again and brewed a 12 ounce cup of coffee in my 14 ounce cup. This wouldn’t have been an issue except there was already 12 ounces in it!

Needless to say, my counter was covered in scalding hot coffee. I didn’t even care at that point. I grabbed my coffee and headed to the bedroom to finish my hair and makeup. I drank my coffee and thought I was doing great. Until I got outside and realized that I only put mascara on one eye. WTF?!

So now all my children have been dropped off at school and I have a 10 hour day ahead of me. Wish me luck. I may sleep on a pile of lingerie in the corner if I don’t get customers soon!

I’ll let you know if I have any camera strikers today. I know that’s the highlight of the day.

I literally can’t.

Ok, so here is a little back story. While I am on my self exploration journey and avoiding being an adult I am working in a porn store. I mean, what could be more fun than playing dildos all day, right??? Back to the story, the store I work in has an arcade (porn viewing booths). First off, apparently these men don’t realize that pornhub is free and you don’t have to blow your load all over a floor that probably has 30 years worth of DNA on it.

Normally this arcade is super busy and I avoid it at all costs because the things that happen in there no one wants to see…ever! I was bored as fuck and staring at the security camera screen watching the cars go by. Well, apparently, my eyes shifted and I looked at the arcade hallway camera! I instantly lost my shit.

Some ogre in standing in the hallway in front of another mans booth peeking in. He had his dick in his hand… masturbating to this other guy playing with his penis. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. All five foot of me stomped back there and completely lost my shit. So I am standing in the middle of this hallway surrounded by 16 booths full of men inside them blowing loads all over the walls.

I instantly told this twat that he needs to get his micropenis in a god damn booth. He’s probably lucky that his penis didn’t extend past his hand and I couldn’t see it. So I stomp out go stand at the counter and eat a box of Girl Scout cookies, because I’m pissed off at the world, obviously. Then my phone rings…. it was one of the most exciting calls of my life and made me forget all about the camera stroker!

Even though I still wanted to throat punch the cunt muffin when he walked out the door.

Slingin’ Dildos

Yesterday while I stood leaning up against the counter waiting for somebody to enter the store, bored as usual, the door opens in a magical creature walks in. This man was tall and wearing a rainbow colored hat! He slowly walks over to the stroker section.

Against my better judgement, while I was silently judging him because he was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers coat, I walked over trying to be nice even though I had no desire to talk to someone wearing that garbage. We began discussing why he was in the store and what exactly he was looking for. We talked about fleshlights and blowup dolls.

Let me tell you, he was hilarious. Helping this guy find the toy for his next orgasm was probably the best experience ever. While we were talking he informed me he popped his blow up mattress and woke up on a flat piece of plastic. That’s always a great way to start your day.

Not only does his nonexistent bed suck according to him- his sex life does too. When he was 18 he “had sex with a big fatty for a cheeseburger.” I’ve never felt better about myself. So he finally settles on the perfect toy. Jason, go big or go home, walked out of the store with the Bad girls love Anal vibrating ass. Who doesn’t want a highly fake asshole to stick their dick in?!

This man is a unicorn and may be my new best friend ever though he doesn’t know it.

Questions…

Happy Monday.

With Mondays come the beginning of a new week and time to learn something new. With that being said. I have questions I would like to learn the answers to.

1. Why does my 3-year-old insist on pretending he is a dog? He does not want to use a spoon in order to eat his cereal in the mornings and has now requested to eat in a “dog cage” (laundry basket). He crawls around on all fours and barks and smiles the whole time.
2. Why are humans such disgusting creatures? Have you actually ever watched someone inseminate a turkey before??? WHAT. THE. FUCK! I watched a video this morning, a human actually sucks the semen from a tom in order to impregnate the female turkey. Nope. Do not want that job.
3. Why is everyone so obsessed with making others happy? Somehow people have forgotten how to live for themselves and make themselves happy. It doesn’t matter what aspect it is, everyone is always trying to please someone else, never themselves. Work, appearance, thoughts, opinions, what they own, what they don’t own, their political party, their religion.

As of right now, my thought process has brought me to the following conclusions.

1. He wants to be a dog because what an easy life that would be! Eating when you want, shitting outside or where ever you please, sleeping twenty hours out of the day if that’s what is wanted and never having to wear pants! Maybe I should try out that lifestyle for a while.
2. I honestly have no answers for this. Why would anyone think it was okay to suck the semen from a turkey, or any animal for that matter. People are just gross. Which, eating an animal is gross so it makes sense. I have not always been a vegan, but once I actually learned the facts and knew where everything comes from and how harmful animal products were to humans I made a quick switch. These people who are doing this to these poor defenseless animals are raping them, and it’s okay. It is legal rape we are performing on animals so people can get protein…since ya know, EATING A FUCKING ANIMAL IS THE ONLY WAY TO OBTAIN PROTEIN!
3. This answer is so clear and I am not sure why everyone doesn’t see it. If anyone has any thoughts on this I would love to hear them. The media and government has inflicted everyone with their brainwashing and shown what a “normal” person should look and act like. Go to work for 40 hours a week. Be skinny. Own a home. Be married. Have two children, no more and no less because anything other than two is abnormal and an abomination.

In short, be kind to all living beings. Live your life for you. Be humble and help take care of others. If everyone had the mentality of living life to be happy the world would be a much better place. For one day, be a puppy. Play, have fun, nap, do not worry about what society says you should do. Today, I am going to live for me. I am going to do what makes me happy. I suggest everyone should do the same!

Do something great today and rock the fuck on!

A Peaceful Trip to the Market

After getting online and placing my Kroger Clicklist order it was my time to pick up. I gathered the babies in the car and we started driving. We pulled into our spot and I got out to put the third row seats down. While I was out I had to call and let them know I was there and what spot I was in. After telling them my name 56842 times they finally got it. While attempting to put my seats down, the first one went down with ease, the second one appeared to be stuck on something.

Turns out, that something was my 5-year-old spawn. She got out of her car seat and was now stuck under the seat I had released to push down. We finally got her out and she had locked the seat back in the upright position after I was already back in the front seat… WHAT. THE. FUCK.

She begins to scream at the top of her lungs because she wants the seat back down. Well, little miss, if you wouldn’t have tried to hide under the damn thing and cried because you were stuck, it would already be down. At this point I have my 3 and 5 year olds jumping around the car like fricken ping-pong balls. Yelling while all my windows were down. The other 3 cars full of quiet respectable judgmental cunts are staring at me and silently judging me and my children that are acting like they are animals.

FINALLY, they come out to put my groceries in my car, they bring my receipt and inform me they didn’t have the fruit snacks I wanted so they did not give me any. Well that is just not acceptable, these kids will lose their god damn minds if we get home and don’t have fruit snacks. I told her to just got get me the biggest box of whatever they have…so I sat and waited for another 7 minutes! Those 7 minutes seemed like an hour with the screaming and judgments coming from around me.

When the time had finally come for them to load the groceries in my car I stepped out and tried to wrangle the 3-year-old into his seat, he turned into a combination of a screaming banshee and a  limp spaghetti noodle and could not sit in his seat. I told him, I am going to put you back in your little baby car seat so you cannot get out anymore. He informed me with his shrieking he wanted a baby seat again. Good, ya little shit. I am going to duct tape you to it! (Just kidding I wouldn’t actually do that). Finally, I got him buckled and he stayed, thank the fucking sky wizard!

The poor teenage girl who was loading my groceries looked so scared during all the kicking and screaming and hell fire that was coming out of the little spawns in my car. She kindly said have a wonderful day miss. Excuse me bitch, have you not experienced the past 5 minutes while you are throwing shit in my car, I will not have a good day. This will be my life until 7:30 tonight…the screaming, tired, crying, shrieking of my little banshees.

This. This friends is why I pay $4.95 for someone else to get my groceries and load them in the car. Because taking these animals shopping is not acceptable.

P.S. Tulip, clear your god damn notifications. Faqqqqqqqqqqqqqq!